Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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