just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
