What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Do vagina's smell?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
