I am in a vortex of obligation.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
