Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
