I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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