he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
