I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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