what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
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