6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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