he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
