if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
