And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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