just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I will pee on everything he values.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
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