I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
