he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
