I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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