i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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