i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Randomize
