anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
