that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
