Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Randomize
