hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
