You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I fill condoms, not promises.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize