Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
