Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
He called his prostate his "boner button".
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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