Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
