At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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