I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
