just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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