Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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