So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
