they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
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