my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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