you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize