Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
how drunk are you?
Several
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
