She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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