Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
My underwear smells like fireworks.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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