I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
