When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
