Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
