I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
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