Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Randomize
