I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
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