Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
