And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize