not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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