my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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