It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
