my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Reggie can tackle my bush.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
