I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
