he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Small penises have feelings too.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
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