we have officially lost it.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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