I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
