Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
