when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
