On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
